Texture, Color and Reflection

I used the Word Window Stampin Up punch to cut a  stencil.  Then stenciled with the dry wall compound. This texture has been in my book for several months.  I was playing around with the compound and then forgot this page was in the book.  I used inexpensive craft paint for the color on this page. I needed some color to counter the lack of sunshine we've been having.  The is no purpose to this page other than texture and color.

I'm feeling a bit reflective this evening. For the second night in a row I've got paint on my fingers. I've missed my Smurf colored fingers over the last two months.  I created almost daily for a year. I couldn't get home from work fast enough to put paint on a page. I was close to obsessed.  I was so into it and I enjoyed it so much.  I hadn't felt that alive in years.

Sometime in December that almost frantic energy seemed to fizzle.  It spit and sizzled but just couldn't stay afire.  I created less and less. Then I didn't even want to sit at my table.  Next came the holidays and in early January, thumb surgery.  Two months have come and gone and very little art has been created by me.  

Why? I've been asking myself. I've learned that very few things in my life are absolute. Usually, I do or don't do something for a combination of reasons.  It's cold.  I'm tired. I miss the sunshine. My hand hurts. I was traveling. All very good reasons.  Still there is something else.

I lead with my feelings. I'm very logical about many things but my art is way more about my feelings than it is about technique or skill. So I'm reflecting on what is going on that is in the way of me feeling my joy of creating.  And it hits me... I'm mourning.  I've had two art friends die in the last two months. They were wonderful and kind ladies I met through rubber stamping.  They were both very loving and caring people who were always happy to see me.  I didn't see them often but I did like them both very much.  I will miss them.  

I'm also mourning the loss of a friendship. It has been very difficult for me.  I gave the friendship my best shot. I really believed that this friendship would last because we would be able to talk through any issue. It didn't work out that way.  Sometimes as we grow and change we have to set boundaries in order to take care of ourselves. I grew more confident and it changed the dynamic of the friendship.  I could not be who I was before and I was no longer able to accept less than what I deserved. Part of me is very embarrassed that accepted so little for so long. Looking back, I see a pattern in some of my relationships.  For a long time, I seemed to thrive on chaos. I was drawn to people who had chaotic lives. I was very caught up in their chaos. If I was in the middle of their mess, I didn't have to look at mine.  

I've been looking at my baggage.  I believed most things were black or white. I can be judgmental. If I were a dog I'd be a terrier. I'm tenacious when I want something.  It's taken me a long time to learn that most of life is really shades of gray instead of black and white. I've learned that not everyone believes what I believe.  And that some people will never be what I need them to be just as I will never be anyone other than who I am.  

I know that some people come into our lives for a short while and then we each go our own way. I just didn't expect this friendship to do that. I really thought we'd be old friends sitting on a porch in rocking chairs watching her great grandchildren play in the yard.  So for now, I will mourn the passing of our friendship.  The only way to mourn is one day at a time. Morning is affecting my muse.  I will not give up. My muse will return.  The past two days have shown me that paint is almost as good as Zoloft. I will keep reminding myself that the process is more important than the outcome.  I may end up with a journal full of nothing but backgrounds and that's Ok.

Thank you so much for visiting my blog and traveling this journey with me.  Stay tuned for more art...